Anxiety—It’s just a project

After 1 week of vacation. The first real vacation (meaning no work. Emails, phone calls, edits, exports all on hold). I sit down in my hammock, after — waking up, cleaning up a bit, working out, dropping my kid off at school — I start to go through my emails. (I work more productively floating a foot in the air).

I already knew what emails were there cause I did glance a bit at them while on vacation — just to make sure I didn’t miss out on any cool quick jobs.

I go through my emails and one email. A specific email regarding a project I’ve worked on makes…

My heart escalate in beats

Feelings of worthlessness

Deception

Hurt

I then click delete and move on.

Then go back to it. Read it again and do see my name at the bottom, but no photo or link to my work.

It was a newsletter of a job I’ve been working on and it made me feel like they were applauding new hires on the project, and throwing me and a few others on a small list down at the bottom of the email.

Recognition and thanks is important as a freelancer. That’s how you meet more people, work with others and also it does help with self esteem.

I’m getting to a place now, or maybe still on the journey of feeling these feels and as Drake says,

in my feelings

So I thought, why not blog about this? If I show my partner this they would just ask me to expound upon the why I feel that way.

But I’m going to reason myself out of this. The WHY is important but, it’s just a project right?

This “project” I’ve worked on, still working on and am very involved isn’t my “project” I’m a work for hire. It’s not my baby. I’m just a passionate obstetrician helping from time to time.

That’s the tough part about being a freelancer. You are hired because of you. The way you work, the art you put into it. The person running the project wants a part of you to go into it. If you sit back and let them tell you what to do they wouldn’t like it. You have to give yourself into it and it might or might not make it into the final project. Many parts of you and at the end of the day the credits roll and the applause goes towards a small group of individuals. Sometimes not even you.

It’s like going to a coffee shop and applauding the person who designed the place and not the baker or barista that made your experience last a bit longer than looks.

So who is this message for? I think what I learned about this is that when I get to be in a position of power or working with individuals lifting up them all is important.

Am I still anxious? Yes. Will I get over it.

It’s a journey.

— now back to the rest of those emails. — deep breaths —